So yeah back in the lovely place of Lithuania where I do no study, lie in bed all day watching TV series after series. I had a plan of getting back to the study routine, I was going to get more focused and study because I have a lot on the plate this month. Instead what have I ended up doing? Skipping classes, watching grey's anatomy (which I don't think is that good) all day for three days straight. And now, it's Saturday night and I'm still lying in bed watching grey's, and even if I wanted or had something to do I don't feel like I can be me. I just want to be alone for a little bit, like if I'm with people I feel like I'll be fake me so I need more time to figure out why I'm being so lazy. Oh and last thing is, my birthday. I usually kinda like my birthday, I don't make a big deal about it but it's always just nice when I get to hang out with my friends, but last year I didn't get to do that with my friends back home. In fact last year I spent the day in the library because we had an anatomy exam that week. And now this year I wasn't really thinking about it, but now I'm starting to think that I've pretty much been wasting my life. When it is my birthday, I don’t insist on presents from people because I always feel bad that I’m making them do things they don’t want to, even from my parents I only ask cause I know it won’t be something that big. If people remember my birthday and actually wish me happy birthday then yeah I actually appreciate that a lot more than an expensive gift (not that I wouldn’t mind a car :P) But one thing that hurts is if good friends forget it, or just treat it like any other day.
I had all these plans, dreams and expectations of what I would have done by the time I'm 20. And I'm only realizing now that in one year I will be just another girl, who tried and failed. And that’s the problem, I have so many things I'm reaching for and aiming for, and along the way I made choices and with each choice I let go of another dream even though I kept saying to myself that I would continue with it, but now I made my last choice to do medicine and I'm starting to see that I have nothing that I actually truly love, and hence why I can’t really focus cause everything else that I love I've given up. I haven't read a book in months, I haven't picked up a pencil to sketch anything and with the exception of this blog I haven't written anything either. All because I don't have time because I'm studying medicine. And when I think about it I always remember this quote from sylvia plath;
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet
And thats what I was afraid would happen to me, instead what has happened is I started to make choices, and somehow I've manged to mess everything up, and I need to start getting all my hopes and dreams back, or else I will end up being a shell of who I was and this blog will be called the "failure of the aspiring Leonardo da Vinci"
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