We see what we want to see,

what people allow us to see

And to think that we are able to see past

someone’s barriers is absurd,

no one can look into you unless

you allow them to.

My own quote ©

In love it's easier to be with

the one person who is easier to get, the one

you don't have to try so hard to please or make

him notice,  but who still gives you butterflies.

Even if there is someone who gives you

fireworks, it's easier to settle then to burn

yourself chasing the fireworks

it's not giving up it's self protection

My own quote ©

My future is scarier than Halloween

So this post has been on my to do list for quiet some time , and the reason that I have been avoiding writing is that I really don't even know what I can write or what way I can deal with the situation I've put myself in. So after two months of meeting with the vice-dean and trying to pull as many strings as I could, it has been finally decided that I will have to repeat my 2^nd year. The decision was made about three weeks ago but I still haven’t found a way of dealing with it, and I think I wont be able to for a long time. I've tried to do everything to cheer myself, but so far the only thing that has been consistent is me crying at least once a day for these few weeks. I've read all the quotes about how everything happens for a reason and how sometimes things go wrong for the right reason but the pain, embarrassment and humiliation of having to redo everything again is all I seem to be able to think about. I've had to rethink about everything I've done in my life, the choices I've made and the friends I've let go and it always ends up me having the same taught, I'm a failure. I'm turning 20 this January and honestly what have I got to show for it? A failed year, my writing is going so bad it's practically non existent, I haven’t read a book in over a year, I've forgot how to draw the simplest of things and I can barely keep in contact with any of my friends. I know it seems like I'm complaining but right now from my point of view it seems like everything in my life is falling apart and if it hasn't than I'm waiting for it to blow up in my face

                    Even with all these negative thoughts the optimistic side of me is trying to find something to hold on to, some hope that everything will turn out okay. Maybe the fact that I wont be in the same year as the people I've known for the last 3 years now I'll be able to see who are the real friends and who is just there to be there. Actually the best  advice that I got came from an unexpected source of friend. They said to me that I've fallen into a hole, and although I have friends that want to help me out, no one is going to jump into the hole with me, and although crying will make me feel a little bit better if  all I do is keep crying then I'm going to drown myself in the hole with all the tears, so what I have to learn to do is climb out of the hole, and once I have I'll always know where the hole is, and now that I have I wont make the same mistake again and wont fall into the same hole, and because I learnt to get myself out of the hole by myself I'll be stronger as a person. So for now I'll try to take everyday as it comes and as I do I'll be climbing out of the hole.

Politics of the summer

I am not going to make any excuses, but just so everyone knows I am a procrastinator so I have been putting off posting anything for almost 2 weeks now. And then I started writing this post, and I've been at it for a week now and every time I decided that I would finally post it, I got distracted by something or I just didn't feel like writing anything.

Anyway I am back to my lovely hometown in Ireland that is beside the sea, where I got to have a little bit of relaxation time at a festival the weekend I came back. That was before I realised what I complete mess of my studies I have made this year by only managing to pass 2 out of 6 exams! But all hope is not lost because I get a chance to do them again in September, which means I've to spend all my time this summer looking at the same things I spent all year looking at! Oh how fun the summer is turning out to be already!

             So as a Sudanese person I do have an opinion about what is going on in Sudan, or as the case maybe what has already happened. To be completely honest it's not that I didn't care about what was going on in Sudan at first but it was more like I thought it was one of those political things that would work itself out, because I wasn't that interested in politics. But then I started to read up about it, because I've been doing a lot of digging up about my history and religion recently, and the more I read up I cared more and so when it was made official on July 9^th I did feel a little bit sad. I don't know a lot about Sudan, I haven’t travelled to that many places in Sudan. I've been to Khartoum because that’s where our house is, the village where my parents grew up and Madani . But I always had in my plan that I would travel different parts of Sudan and get to know my heritage, now I feel like I can do that because Sudan is falling apart. Even though I am from the north, I can't say that I take their side, I just don't know enough information to take sides, all that I do know about is the civil war and that the north exploited the south because they had oil. All that I will say is that I hope this isn't one of those things everyone is really happy about and then it ends up going horribly wrong because of other people interfering

                          I also want to say how sorry and upset about what has happened in Norway recently, my thoughts go out to all the the family and friends of the people who lost their lives. Honestly I understand how something like this has affected the Norwegian people because I have friends from Norway and from when I hear them talking about Norway I can tell how proud they are and that the society there is very relaxed and democratic. I mean I didn't know this until recently but even gays are allowed to get married there, it seems that they have the attitude of “each o their own” that I would love if some countries had. What I am angry about is that this morning I read that the man behind all these attacks Anders Breivik, his lawyer believes he is insane so they might make a plea of insanity! Are you serious? The guy knew perfectly well what he was doing, he wrote a manifesto! He was a terrorist and so he should be treated like one! if this guy was a Muslim person who did the same thing no one would even take his lawyer seriously if he wanted to plea insanity! (Even if this was a Muslim person who did this I would still say they should be treated like a terrorist.) Violence is violence and I don't like people escaping punishment because of loop holes. If Hitler hadn't killed himself and there was a court hearing for his actions, would anyone take him seriously if he pleaded insanity? No because he was a terrorist as well!

                                     

On a brighter note! I watched this movie last night and I was only half way through it that I realised that I'd read the book it was adapted from. I loved the movie, it was one of those rare movie that actually captured how great the book was. It might not be everyone cup of tea but it's a very cute and innocent movie! I promised myself I will post more often so I already have another post lined up after this about the plan for the rest of the summer! 

Stressed & freaking out

There is too much going on right now for me to post anything,
I just needed to write and feel like telling the world out there that
I'm still trying to scrape passing my year, next exam is
this thursday. I don't have much confidance
that I will pass, I'm hoping that I will pass by the
grace of God so I need people to pray
for me, I need as many people as possible
because right now failing this exam means
that I'm basically not going to make it as
a doctor, because there is no means
for me to repeat my year. And I've already had a
melt down this month, I don't think
my friends or I could take another one of my
temper outbursts. I know it's propbably the shortest
and least put together post but I will hopefully be back
 again in july where I will be posting from Ireland after
inshallah passing 2 exams, if not one at least!

Like a flower

“When it comes down to it she's the warda (flower) of our group”

was what on of my group-mates said to me while we were joking around in class, to which my other group-mate replied

“ Yeah I know, why do you think I'm so nice to her”

I may not have shown it at the time , but that really made me smile. Even now when I think back to it, I can feel a smile on my face. It's the small things like this that really make me see how lucky I am to have these people in my group, because even though I may have complained about feeling left out I know that my group are like my family. It makes me want to shut down this blog and hit myself for the times I gave out about them. I know, such a small comment made such a huge impact on me. But that's the kind of person I am, even if I get angry and a have a quick temper, when apologised to, I forgive quickly and don't like holding grudges. My group is like my family, and alhumdillah we all get along so well, recently there was a new addation to our group. A girl from 3^rd year is doing this module with us and even she commented how she loved the vibe and atmosphere our group had , saying that it was rare that a group got along so well.

On a more serious note, I'm hanging by the edge of my teeth from failing this year. It's true that you only realise how important something is to you until it is(or nearly ) taken away from you. I really don't want to fail, but somehow I cant seem to pass an exam only after repeating it, which means that I always have more than one exam to study for in a month. I would feel so guilty if I failed as well, because I know I can do better but just can't seem to be able to pass the material on time. As well as the guilt of disappointing my parents. That is enough to make me cringe, because lately my mom has been talking to me about how important it is to pass this year, and when I talked to my dad about a tutorial I needed help with I could tell how proud of me he was, for being him to be able to give me scenarios and me try to come up with a logic explanation. God help me :( 

Frustrations

A conversation between me and my so called friend, we were discussing Sudan and joking when suddenly this comment really aggravated me. 

My friend: takhalof u know qoran tried to change u ppl but u still the same

Abrabie: ohhhhhhh that's going too far man

My Friend: yea truth

Abrabie: what truth?

My Friend: that u took islam...the real islam from us real arabs

Abrabie: what?? seriously I actually cannot believe what your sayin ?

Abrabie: so what we weren't real muslims?

My friend: since when africans were real muslims

Abrabie: screw you

The conversation ended with him saying to me 

"don't pretend to be arab next time ok??

we all know who is the real pure arab here" 

Is it just me or this really offensive? Maybe I'm being biased because the topic of being arab hit a nerve with me and my confusion of heritage? 

But my interpretation is he is basically saying that were not real muslims, and that islam doesn't belong to Sudanese people, and even after we read the quran we still are not real muslims

Honestly it is people like that, that make my temper flare, and when I'm angry I say things that really hurt people. This is the reply I have typed out, and debating weather to send it or not. 

 pure arab? screw being arab 

didn't you say you were half Kurdish? 

since when were Kurds pure arabs? add to it 

your always acting black?  what do you 

think it means to be black? it means 

being from Africa, or having African decent/ethnicity 

 so stop hating cause I am what you wish you were!

On the other hand, maybe just writing out my frustrations is enough :) 

P.S; I don't mean ANY offense to any Kurds out there, I'm only saying this to take out my frustration at my friend for his comment.  

Life is a glass

everyday of our lives

we fill it with emotions

most of which

we empty out with a smile

a tear or a frown

But when we keep everything in

allowing the glass to fill

not knowing it can't expand

And one day it will overflow

and like a tsunami of emotions

the glass will be empty again

My own quote ©

One thing leads to another

Ever notice how just one thing that puts you in a bad mood for a few hours will turn into a whole week of Murphy's law? (Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong). 

   I have a quick and really bad temper, and it started with an Irish classmate from here telling me that he was in contact with the Irish ambassador to here and she wanted to have lunch with the Irish students who were studying here to get to know them. Sounds cool right? Little did I know what a complete waste of time it was going to be, because long story short he had messed up, told her he wasn't going to be able to make it and only decided to tell me this the night before. That as small as it may seem got me temper fired up because of all the other things that have been adding up to it, mainly;

   My left shoulder is in bits(pretty certain it's the same injury I had a few years ago, to which I didn't finish my antibiotics for, is coming back again), my throat is still soar because of the swollen tonsils (For the first time in my life I have tonsillitis) I've had for the last month to which my father continues to tell me will be fine, and leave them be, my eye is soar and red for no reason, I'm starving because all I've had to eat is coke and two cups of tea because I have no money left on my account and when I tried to ask my sister if dad has sent me money she got annoyed hung up on me cause I didn't want to go on skype cause I was already in a bad mood from my phone not working, and the fact that I haven't had a proper nights sleep for a week (because of the yet again number of exams I have) resulting in me sleeping during the day but being interrupted every time by the loud banging on the door coming from the bin man looking for my neighbour. And all I wanted to do was talk to two people about it both of whom chose to ditch me, so I turned off my phone, signed out of facebook, skype and msn. Locked myself in my room and sat down reading all the book blogs I've recently found out about. To of no avail I'm still in a bad mood and until one of these problems is solved it doesn't look like it's going to change. Still I'm going to go to sleep optimistic, maybe tomorrow things will change for the better?

 

Cynical Thoughts

I'm feeling very cynical today. Two things I learnt today

1. Being polite might make you feel like a better person, but it doesn't get you far in life
2. Stupidity, ignorance and rudeness is the devils temptation for people who are trying to control their temper

“Treat people the way you want to be treated, talk to people the way you want to be talked to, respect will get you respect” is the biggest load of crap I've heard and just an earnest dream.

Life is like a game of “the weakest link” wherever you are in life you'll be a team but don't forget it's a competition, if you're dragging down the team you'll be dropped so learn to pull your own weight. Cause there are only two people in this world you can truly count on no matter what; yourself and God.  

Observant People

You feel so significant in this world when these two questions are asked to you in one day

“Is it your birthday close?”Asked by someone I see on a daily basis

“Where you in class today? “ Asked by the person I met before class and we walked around trying to figure out where the class was today.

One day I will stop being so polite and just say to people what's REALLY on my mind.

Assumptions & Heritage

I just finished reading one of the posts from one of the blogs I follow, and it was all about how they get paranoid about when people asked about her heritage, and it made me think of why I've been getting angry lately.

        So I'm Sudanese, and for a long time I had a problem actually admitting that to people because I thought they would make assumptions about me, but as soon as I did that’s exactly what happened. Living here out in Europe means that my Arabic isn't as good as it should be, and while I was in school that was never a problem because the majority of my friends were “white” and even the ones that weren’t I spoke English with. But here in university, there are a lot of Arabs who actually come from Arab countries directly, and to say I was embarrassed to speak to them in Arabic at first is an understatement .But what made it worse was the majority of Arabs here come from one particular Arab country (I'm not going to mention it by name) And these people are the most patriotic people I have ever met, not that I care but when the extent of patriotism is to the degree where they think that there country is better, and they are better than all the Arabs, and insist that they do not speak Arabic but instead but their own language ( Not Arabic with a different accent, but a different language, even when they clearly are speaking Arabic!)

        It has gotten to the stage where I'm going against my own principle and hating most people from this country. The reason for it? I know that not all of them are like this, but the MAJORITY of them here are so arrogant, and when I first met them and they spoke to me in Arabic it took me a while to understand their accent, because at the time I only understood the Egyptian and my own accent. This resulted in them assuming that I couldn't speak Arabic, and then I felt like they were labelling me as the “wannabe Arab”, so I started making an effort only to have them make fun of my dialect . And even though they may have be joking, it resulted in me getting paranoid about my Arabic and now I only speaking with a few who I feel comfortable enough around.

        My (unwilling) hatred of these particular Arab people grew because on a few occasions they would be surprised that I could actually even understand Arabic because they “didn't know Sudanese people spoke Arabic” That would just get me even more paranoid cause it made me wonder if other Arabs saw us as Arabs or Africans? Because when you think of Egyptians, most people would call them Arabs. It's not that I have an problem about being either Arab or African, it's that it added to my many questions I had about my own identity, heritage, background and lingering question of where my home really is. And always reminded me of one of my most hated questions “where are you from?”

        I can't say I'm Saudi because even though it feels like home, Saudis would never consider me as one of them , I don't even have a Saudi passport. The two passports that I do have say that I'm both Sudanese and Irish, but there are times in Sudan when I feel like a foreigner because of my inability to express myself properly in Arabic or my lack of knowledge about my family history and culture, and yet I can't say I'm Irish because even if my accent can fool you I don't look like an Irish person.

        So what is the answer to that question? I guess for now I can only say that I'm from planet earth, on the other hand the Lithuanian here seem to always think I'm Indian! 

Egyptian Freedom

To all the Egyptian people out there, I could not be more proud to say that we are neighbours!  I, like the millions of people around the world was following the events in Egypt and when the news finally came on February 11^th, this song was playing in my room for days afterwards.

It honestly makes you believe that there is hope,  that people can unite together against one cause and actually win. It takes the meaning of the phrase “people power” to a whole new level!

Mabrouk le kolee masr! 

Sometimes with the best intentions

the best decisions that we make

turn to be the one mistake

we spend the rest of our lives

regretting

My own quote ©

Look away or pay attention?

This morning we had a class about diagnosis of different diseases and how to exam a patient. One of the guys was volunteered to be the “patient” for our teacher to explain to us how to do it, he was told to lift his shirt and as he did so I didn't know what to do . As I did I realised I was being stupid, because I'm going to have to get used to looking at naked people and examining them myself. Which got me thinking, if it usually frowned on for hijabi girls to hug guys why has there no one be complaining about them being doctors? After all there they have to do full body examination. While I know that in places like Saudia it's probably forbidden ( I think?) for female doctors to treat males , I don't know the law for other Islamic countries. When I really think about it though, it doesn't really bother me all that much because;

1. This is the life I chose
2. I've grown up here in Europe ,in an environment where being in contact with other guys is inevitable.

Don't get me wrong I tried for a while to not have any contact with other men, but in the Sudanese culture it is a custom to shake hands, and then when I came to university I hugged other guys because I know that for me it means nothing only me being friendly. What I'm wondering about is how other hijabi(doctor/non-doctor) who choose not to have any contact with other men, how do they deal with these situations? Anyone out there? 

Quiet people

There the people that you take for granted

the people who you think

are okay and will continue to fight

who you forget and

promise you'll make it up to

one day

until that day is too late

There is something you need to

understand

their quietness is their greatest curse

the hurt and the pain

is all pushed down and the door shut

these are the people

who we should call

heroes.

My own quote ©

If just thinking about you is enough

then the love I feel for you

is not yet enough.

My own quote ©

I know this feeling

it's me hurting deep deep down inside

it's the feeling of truly missing you

and not knowing what to do about it.

My own quote ©

In matters of love

we use our hearts to make the decision

and yet our head tells us we made a mistake

Only time will tell

My own quote ©

Loyalty

Thats just something I don't get, why just because a certain group are meant to hate another group of people that  everybody has to go along with that rule! I've always made it a general rule for myself to try and get along with every group of people, no matter what their ethnicity or religion. Where is this coming from you might ask?  

   Recently our questions for our upcoming exam were changed, our whole year went into panic as we realized that there is too many questions and not enough time to do them! So today I get a call from one of my group mates asking me to try and get them from a friend of mine who he knew would have them done. The problem? I felt like I was being used and using my friend just to get the question! But here is where the first problem was, I didn't like the idea of tricking my friend but at the same time I couldn't not help my group mate, the second problem was that me and my friend are both Arab and my friend is Jewish  so by the rule of society I had to help out my group mate. I hated it, I really do,  it made me feel deceitful and two faced.  What I'm trying to say is that this wouldn't have happened if people were just civil to each other and if they didn't go along with the rules society put out for us!

  But in the end as much as I give out about it, there was nothing I could say to him about, cause I'm also too nice and can't say no and don't want to start any trouble with anyone! The other thing was that it actually felt nice to be needed by one of group mates, cause usually I'm the one who needs help, and doesn't have anything figured out, is that hypocritical of me? It makes me wonder though, to survive medical school and get far in life do you have to be like this? Do you have to back-stab people and go behind their back just to get your way? Can you go through life with just being polite and civil to people? Or is that just a wishful dream on my part?

Motivation

Feeling very motivated , 5 am right now and after having a panic attack a few hours ago over the four exams that I have to do this month or else I fail second year I got re-motivated from this video. At 3.40 that just made me realize that I really have to pull up my sock in the next few days or else. So I'm not going to give up, just gonna work hard for the next 2 weeks and I'll let you know what happens by the end of this month :)
Pray for me people!

Welcome to the year 2011, older but not quite wiser

So yeah back in the lovely place of Lithuania where I do no study, lie in bed all day watching TV series after series. I had a plan of getting back to the study routine, I was going to get more focused and study because I have a lot on the plate this month. Instead what have I ended up doing? Skipping classes, watching grey's anatomy (which I don't think is that good) all day for three days straight. And now, it's Saturday night and I'm still lying in bed watching grey's, and even if I wanted or had something to do I don't feel like I can be me. I just want to be alone for a little bit, like if I'm with people I feel like I'll be fake me so I need more time to figure out why I'm being so lazy. Oh and last thing is, my birthday. I usually kinda like my birthday, I don't make a big deal about it but it's always just nice when I get to hang out with my friends, but last year I didn't get to do that with my friends back home. In fact last year I spent the day in the library because we had an anatomy exam that week. And now this year I wasn't really thinking about it, but now I'm starting to think that I've pretty much been wasting my life. When it is my birthday, I don’t insist on presents from people because I always feel bad that I’m making them do things they don’t want to, even from my parents I only ask cause I know it won’t be something that big. If people remember my birthday and actually wish me happy birthday then yeah I actually appreciate that a lot more than an expensive gift (not that I wouldn’t mind a car :P) But one thing that hurts is if good friends forget it, or just treat it like any other day.  

 I had all these plans, dreams and expectations of what I would have done by the time I'm 20. And I'm only realizing now that in one year I will be just another girl, who tried and failed. And that’s the problem, I have so many things I'm reaching for and aiming for, and along the way I made choices and with each choice I let go of another dream even though I kept saying to myself that I would continue with it, but now I made my last choice to do medicine and I'm starting to see that I have nothing that I actually truly love, and hence why I can’t really focus cause everything else that I love I've given up. I haven't read a book in months, I haven't picked up a pencil to sketch anything and with the exception of this blog I haven't written anything either. All because I don't have time because I'm studying medicine. And when I think about it I always remember this quote from sylvia plath; 

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet

And thats what I was afraid would happen to me, instead what has happened is I started to make choices, and somehow I've manged to mess everything up, and I need to start getting all my hopes and dreams back, or else I will end up being a shell of who I was and this blog will be called the "failure of the aspiring Leonardo da Vinci"