Loyalty

Thats just something I don't get, why just because a certain group are meant to hate another group of people that  everybody has to go along with that rule! I've always made it a general rule for myself to try and get along with every group of people, no matter what their ethnicity or religion. Where is this coming from you might ask?  

   Recently our questions for our upcoming exam were changed, our whole year went into panic as we realized that there is too many questions and not enough time to do them! So today I get a call from one of my group mates asking me to try and get them from a friend of mine who he knew would have them done. The problem? I felt like I was being used and using my friend just to get the question! But here is where the first problem was, I didn't like the idea of tricking my friend but at the same time I couldn't not help my group mate, the second problem was that me and my friend are both Arab and my friend is Jewish  so by the rule of society I had to help out my group mate. I hated it, I really do,  it made me feel deceitful and two faced.  What I'm trying to say is that this wouldn't have happened if people were just civil to each other and if they didn't go along with the rules society put out for us!

  But in the end as much as I give out about it, there was nothing I could say to him about, cause I'm also too nice and can't say no and don't want to start any trouble with anyone! The other thing was that it actually felt nice to be needed by one of group mates, cause usually I'm the one who needs help, and doesn't have anything figured out, is that hypocritical of me? It makes me wonder though, to survive medical school and get far in life do you have to be like this? Do you have to back-stab people and go behind their back just to get your way? Can you go through life with just being polite and civil to people? Or is that just a wishful dream on my part?

Motivation

Feeling very motivated , 5 am right now and after having a panic attack a few hours ago over the four exams that I have to do this month or else I fail second year I got re-motivated from this video. At 3.40 that just made me realize that I really have to pull up my sock in the next few days or else. So I'm not going to give up, just gonna work hard for the next 2 weeks and I'll let you know what happens by the end of this month :)
Pray for me people!

Welcome to the year 2011, older but not quite wiser

So yeah back in the lovely place of Lithuania where I do no study, lie in bed all day watching TV series after series. I had a plan of getting back to the study routine, I was going to get more focused and study because I have a lot on the plate this month. Instead what have I ended up doing? Skipping classes, watching grey's anatomy (which I don't think is that good) all day for three days straight. And now, it's Saturday night and I'm still lying in bed watching grey's, and even if I wanted or had something to do I don't feel like I can be me. I just want to be alone for a little bit, like if I'm with people I feel like I'll be fake me so I need more time to figure out why I'm being so lazy. Oh and last thing is, my birthday. I usually kinda like my birthday, I don't make a big deal about it but it's always just nice when I get to hang out with my friends, but last year I didn't get to do that with my friends back home. In fact last year I spent the day in the library because we had an anatomy exam that week. And now this year I wasn't really thinking about it, but now I'm starting to think that I've pretty much been wasting my life. When it is my birthday, I don’t insist on presents from people because I always feel bad that I’m making them do things they don’t want to, even from my parents I only ask cause I know it won’t be something that big. If people remember my birthday and actually wish me happy birthday then yeah I actually appreciate that a lot more than an expensive gift (not that I wouldn’t mind a car :P) But one thing that hurts is if good friends forget it, or just treat it like any other day.  

 I had all these plans, dreams and expectations of what I would have done by the time I'm 20. And I'm only realizing now that in one year I will be just another girl, who tried and failed. And that’s the problem, I have so many things I'm reaching for and aiming for, and along the way I made choices and with each choice I let go of another dream even though I kept saying to myself that I would continue with it, but now I made my last choice to do medicine and I'm starting to see that I have nothing that I actually truly love, and hence why I can’t really focus cause everything else that I love I've given up. I haven't read a book in months, I haven't picked up a pencil to sketch anything and with the exception of this blog I haven't written anything either. All because I don't have time because I'm studying medicine. And when I think about it I always remember this quote from sylvia plath; 

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.  From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.  One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.  I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose.  I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet

And thats what I was afraid would happen to me, instead what has happened is I started to make choices, and somehow I've manged to mess everything up, and I need to start getting all my hopes and dreams back, or else I will end up being a shell of who I was and this blog will be called the "failure of the aspiring Leonardo da Vinci"

All the right friends in all the wrong places

To start of this post with a bright note, I'm home! Actually I've been home for almost a week now, anyway this is a picture I took when I was coming in on the bus. The photography  isn't exactly the best but the view looked so amazing and the relaxation I felt seeing familiar home settings after 3 months is unexplainable
  I was in town today just walking by, and I saw one of my old friends I went to school with.I was so happy to finally see someone I knew and had a connection with, but that joy was crushed when I felt she didn't seem all that excited, in fact it just seemed like she's greeted me like she just saw me an hour ago instead of two years ago! I don't know why but  I honestly thought that I would stay good friends with all my close friends from school, and what makes it worse is that during my first year in uni when I kept finding things hard I always had one thought  "it's okay, just get through it and when you get back home you can talk about it to your good friends" now I find that their too busy with their new lives to spare a moment for old friends.It's not that I blame my friends, there amazing but sometimes I wish I could have all my friends in one place, I don't want to miss any of them...selfish? yeah I know
       The other problem I thought about is that I'm gonna have to start getting used to this or finding a better way to deal with it, cause if I wanna travel as much as I hope to I have to get used to making friends in one place and when I have to move leaving them and making new friends. Which kinda leaves me to think will I ever find a place that I can actually truly call home? It always makes me think of this verse by one of my favorite poets;

Think of the long trip home.
Should we have stayed at home and thought of here?
What childishness is it that while there's a breath of life in our bodies, we are determined to rush to see
the sun the other way around?

Too young, too early

So decided that I'm going to try and write here a little bit more often because; 
1. I really do want to be become a writer but right now with my English and with me not being able to construct a sentence properly, that dream is slowly going down the drain.

2. I can't concentrate on studying at all. Whenever it comes to study time, I can sit for hours doing absolutely nothing, so someone told me to just write down all the thoughts that come into my head to get rid of it, if I write here I kill two birds with one stone! 
     Whoever said I wasn't good at multitasking? ;) 
Anyway getting back to the reason why I can't concentrate. Lately I don't seem to have the motivation anymore to study at all, at first I thought maybe it was because I didn't take enough breaks and was studying too much, but even after I took a break I just wasn't in the mood to get back and hit the books. Everything I did seemed a lot more interesting then looking at anatomy books, then I started thinking about why I wasn't motivated and finally came up with some sort of explanation. I'm starting to wonder if medicine really is for me? Did I choose my path in life too early? The thing about it is that I have always loved chemistry, but every job that actually has chemistry in it holds no interest for me e.g studying pharmacy would have been perfect but any career to do with it just isn't. Which leaves me in a dead end, because to be honest apart from art (which is hard to make a career out of) I don't really have any other choice in jobs. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through? either way..I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

Easier for them

Sometimes I wish I was a guy! I know it's such a weird thing to say, especially because I'm always telling guys that it's such a great thing to be a girl! But in some things lately I think they have it so much easier, it started with me dressing up as a guy for a Halloween party in our uni..I know what your thinking "what's so weird about that?" it's very out of character for me,  I'm the really quiet kind of girly girl who would come as a princess or something along those lines....but I took the plunge and went as a gangster. Here is the reasons why I think they have it easier;

1. They get to wear whatever, look like complete sh**t and it'll all be okay, a girl does the same and gets asked "are you okay? you don't look so good today" 

2. Complete and utter freedom, the amount of things I have wanted to do...and just been told I can't cause I'm a girl and it's not safe. 

        So this is part of the reason that made me start to write this blog, I want to have that freedom, I want to be able to say what I think. I know for most people the easier solution  would just be to open up their mouth and just say what they think, but for me it's a lot harder. It's not in my nature, whatever opinions or thoughts I have I usually keep to myself, but I do have an opinion and I do want to my voice to be heard. So I'm taking it a step at a time, first step is this blog! 

   I am the aspiring Leonardo da Vinci.I greatly admire da Vinci, he was able to do all the things he loved and make a living out of it, I know that I will never be comparable to him but I will strive for it anyway. I want to be able to put all the things that I love together my love for art, writing and science/medicine. I'm not always sure of what I want, especially of what I want to do with the rest of my life, but on the way to figuring it out I'm doing medicine for the mean time and see where it takes me!