Just popping by...

 I know it's been forever, and  who knows if there is anyone out there still reading this.Today I felt like just writing something, I want to know anyone's opinion, if you read this first paragraph in a book  would you be enticed to continue reading the book? Here it is ; 

She focused the camera lens on the sketchpad, the picture came into focus and just before clicking the shutter she thought about what she was about to do. With just this one click she would be essentially wiping away all the memories they had together, there could be no more looking back into the past. There could never again be remembering the late night talks when he would stand close looking down on her, making both the butterflies and blood rush up her body. She laughed sneeringly at how innocent she used to be.Never again she thought, she clicked the shutter, connected the camera to the printer. When the picture printed, she stood again looking down at the message she had written next to the sketch. Jasmine had never been the decisive one, maybe this was going too far, was she being too rash? 

          At that moment, there was a knock on her bedroom door "Who is it?" her voice sounded painful and like broken glass, a true reflection of how she felt. "Moving crew, is everything ready?" It was like a sign, and the push she needed.  She took the picture, placed it in an envelope  packed the rest of her things in the suitcase. Opening the door she let the men come in to clear up the rest of her things and walked out of the room without taking a second glance. Walking down the hallway to his room, she tried to suppress all the sadness that was overcoming her, she slipped the envelope under his door. Rolling her suitcase behind her she got into the elevator and for once was glad that the noise of the elevator doors closing echoed throughout the hallway. She knew he would hear it, like he always did. Good. This is finally the end of this place. 

We see what we want to see,

what people allow us to see

And to think that we are able to see past

someone’s barriers is absurd,

no one can look into you unless

you allow them to.

My own quote ©

In love it's easier to be with

the one person who is easier to get, the one

you don't have to try so hard to please or make

him notice,  but who still gives you butterflies.

Even if there is someone who gives you

fireworks, it's easier to settle then to burn

yourself chasing the fireworks

it's not giving up it's self protection

My own quote ©

My future is scarier than Halloween

So this post has been on my to do list for quiet some time , and the reason that I have been avoiding writing is that I really don't even know what I can write or what way I can deal with the situation I've put myself in. So after two months of meeting with the vice-dean and trying to pull as many strings as I could, it has been finally decided that I will have to repeat my 2^nd year. The decision was made about three weeks ago but I still haven’t found a way of dealing with it, and I think I wont be able to for a long time. I've tried to do everything to cheer myself, but so far the only thing that has been consistent is me crying at least once a day for these few weeks. I've read all the quotes about how everything happens for a reason and how sometimes things go wrong for the right reason but the pain, embarrassment and humiliation of having to redo everything again is all I seem to be able to think about. I've had to rethink about everything I've done in my life, the choices I've made and the friends I've let go and it always ends up me having the same taught, I'm a failure. I'm turning 20 this January and honestly what have I got to show for it? A failed year, my writing is going so bad it's practically non existent, I haven’t read a book in over a year, I've forgot how to draw the simplest of things and I can barely keep in contact with any of my friends. I know it seems like I'm complaining but right now from my point of view it seems like everything in my life is falling apart and if it hasn't than I'm waiting for it to blow up in my face

                    Even with all these negative thoughts the optimistic side of me is trying to find something to hold on to, some hope that everything will turn out okay. Maybe the fact that I wont be in the same year as the people I've known for the last 3 years now I'll be able to see who are the real friends and who is just there to be there. Actually the best  advice that I got came from an unexpected source of friend. They said to me that I've fallen into a hole, and although I have friends that want to help me out, no one is going to jump into the hole with me, and although crying will make me feel a little bit better if  all I do is keep crying then I'm going to drown myself in the hole with all the tears, so what I have to learn to do is climb out of the hole, and once I have I'll always know where the hole is, and now that I have I wont make the same mistake again and wont fall into the same hole, and because I learnt to get myself out of the hole by myself I'll be stronger as a person. So for now I'll try to take everyday as it comes and as I do I'll be climbing out of the hole.

Politics of the summer

I am not going to make any excuses, but just so everyone knows I am a procrastinator so I have been putting off posting anything for almost 2 weeks now. And then I started writing this post, and I've been at it for a week now and every time I decided that I would finally post it, I got distracted by something or I just didn't feel like writing anything.

Anyway I am back to my lovely hometown in Ireland that is beside the sea, where I got to have a little bit of relaxation time at a festival the weekend I came back. That was before I realised what I complete mess of my studies I have made this year by only managing to pass 2 out of 6 exams! But all hope is not lost because I get a chance to do them again in September, which means I've to spend all my time this summer looking at the same things I spent all year looking at! Oh how fun the summer is turning out to be already!

             So as a Sudanese person I do have an opinion about what is going on in Sudan, or as the case maybe what has already happened. To be completely honest it's not that I didn't care about what was going on in Sudan at first but it was more like I thought it was one of those political things that would work itself out, because I wasn't that interested in politics. But then I started to read up about it, because I've been doing a lot of digging up about my history and religion recently, and the more I read up I cared more and so when it was made official on July 9^th I did feel a little bit sad. I don't know a lot about Sudan, I haven’t travelled to that many places in Sudan. I've been to Khartoum because that’s where our house is, the village where my parents grew up and Madani . But I always had in my plan that I would travel different parts of Sudan and get to know my heritage, now I feel like I can do that because Sudan is falling apart. Even though I am from the north, I can't say that I take their side, I just don't know enough information to take sides, all that I do know about is the civil war and that the north exploited the south because they had oil. All that I will say is that I hope this isn't one of those things everyone is really happy about and then it ends up going horribly wrong because of other people interfering

                          I also want to say how sorry and upset about what has happened in Norway recently, my thoughts go out to all the the family and friends of the people who lost their lives. Honestly I understand how something like this has affected the Norwegian people because I have friends from Norway and from when I hear them talking about Norway I can tell how proud they are and that the society there is very relaxed and democratic. I mean I didn't know this until recently but even gays are allowed to get married there, it seems that they have the attitude of “each o their own” that I would love if some countries had. What I am angry about is that this morning I read that the man behind all these attacks Anders Breivik, his lawyer believes he is insane so they might make a plea of insanity! Are you serious? The guy knew perfectly well what he was doing, he wrote a manifesto! He was a terrorist and so he should be treated like one! if this guy was a Muslim person who did the same thing no one would even take his lawyer seriously if he wanted to plea insanity! (Even if this was a Muslim person who did this I would still say they should be treated like a terrorist.) Violence is violence and I don't like people escaping punishment because of loop holes. If Hitler hadn't killed himself and there was a court hearing for his actions, would anyone take him seriously if he pleaded insanity? No because he was a terrorist as well!

                                     

On a brighter note! I watched this movie last night and I was only half way through it that I realised that I'd read the book it was adapted from. I loved the movie, it was one of those rare movie that actually captured how great the book was. It might not be everyone cup of tea but it's a very cute and innocent movie! I promised myself I will post more often so I already have another post lined up after this about the plan for the rest of the summer! 

Stressed & freaking out

There is too much going on right now for me to post anything,
I just needed to write and feel like telling the world out there that
I'm still trying to scrape passing my year, next exam is
this thursday. I don't have much confidance
that I will pass, I'm hoping that I will pass by the
grace of God so I need people to pray
for me, I need as many people as possible
because right now failing this exam means
that I'm basically not going to make it as
a doctor, because there is no means
for me to repeat my year. And I've already had a
melt down this month, I don't think
my friends or I could take another one of my
temper outbursts. I know it's propbably the shortest
and least put together post but I will hopefully be back
 again in july where I will be posting from Ireland after
inshallah passing 2 exams, if not one at least!

Like a flower

“When it comes down to it she's the warda (flower) of our group”

was what on of my group-mates said to me while we were joking around in class, to which my other group-mate replied

“ Yeah I know, why do you think I'm so nice to her”

I may not have shown it at the time , but that really made me smile. Even now when I think back to it, I can feel a smile on my face. It's the small things like this that really make me see how lucky I am to have these people in my group, because even though I may have complained about feeling left out I know that my group are like my family. It makes me want to shut down this blog and hit myself for the times I gave out about them. I know, such a small comment made such a huge impact on me. But that's the kind of person I am, even if I get angry and a have a quick temper, when apologised to, I forgive quickly and don't like holding grudges. My group is like my family, and alhumdillah we all get along so well, recently there was a new addation to our group. A girl from 3^rd year is doing this module with us and even she commented how she loved the vibe and atmosphere our group had , saying that it was rare that a group got along so well.

On a more serious note, I'm hanging by the edge of my teeth from failing this year. It's true that you only realise how important something is to you until it is(or nearly ) taken away from you. I really don't want to fail, but somehow I cant seem to pass an exam only after repeating it, which means that I always have more than one exam to study for in a month. I would feel so guilty if I failed as well, because I know I can do better but just can't seem to be able to pass the material on time. As well as the guilt of disappointing my parents. That is enough to make me cringe, because lately my mom has been talking to me about how important it is to pass this year, and when I talked to my dad about a tutorial I needed help with I could tell how proud of me he was, for being him to be able to give me scenarios and me try to come up with a logic explanation. God help me :(